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Monday, 22 June 2009

  • Weekend Weekly

    So, a few highlights from this crazy weekend:

    There were some girls on a corner down here in old town. They were hugging people!

    Seriously, they would go up to people and ask if they wanted a free hug. And the best part is, most people wanted one! The first girl was one of the best huggers I've ever hugged. Not too firm, but not too loose. I felt enveloped by a dear friend. And she didn't let go right away either- we hugged for a minute or more. The other girl was pretty good too, and even had a "Free Hugs" cardboard sign around her neck.

    I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day!

    Loni and I had a movie night Friday night. We watched Yes Man (HIGHLY recommend! It's a very very feel good movie!) and Benjamin Button. We stopped that halfway through (not that it was bad, but it was like 1 am at that point and neither of us were in the mood for something that slow paced). We talked til five, then took a walk to the lake and didn't sleep til like 6. O.o I haven't stayed up like that in forever!

    That afternoon (after only 6 precious hours of sleep) we did Bingo. I won a bell (every time they call your number, you get five bucks. I get I16 every time.)

    Sunday we tried to find me a pair of sandals to buy. We found the PERFECT pair, but they were out of my size. We went to four other stores and found absolutely nothing. Then, I had the brilliant idea of looking online! They should be here Thursday at the earliest... I'm crossing fingers and toes! I'll take pics when I get them. They aren't the creme de la creme of sandals, but they are comfy, pretty, and totally my style!

    I also cooked the most perfect fried catfish of my life that night. Flour, corn meal, onion poweder, garlic powder, garlic salt, freshly grated parmesean cheese. It was absolutely delicious. I do have to work on my lemon garlic sauce for the pasta I have with it. Needs more garlic, less lemon. It's a work in progress.

    Friday-

    Morning: slept in, went in late (on purpose) felt happy and restful- go figure.

    Walk: VERY winded, but not hurting too much

    Water: one mug full

    Saturday-

    Morning: stayed up til 6 in the morning, slept deep til noon. So... pretty tired!

    Walk: I didn't do my actual walk, but at 5 that morning we walked to the lake and back. I guessed by pace and timing it was a little shy of half a mile. Of course, we sat at the lake halfway for about half an hour, so my heartrate was probably not up as long as on a continuous walk. Still, something right?

    Water: None O.o I didn't even think about it.

    Sunday-

    Morning: Feeling pretty good, actually!

    Walk: None... we went shopping for shoes, and by the time we got home I couldn't walk the bottoms of my feet hurt so much.

    Water: None. Wow, I was bad this weekend.

Thursday, 18 June 2009

  • It takes 21 repitions to make a habit

    30.

    50.

    60.

    90.

    It takes however many it takes. But the fact is that it takes a lot of repitions to make or break a habit.

    Welcome to day 2 of my experiment.

    I want to thank you all SO much for your well wishes and good lucks! They really really helped encourage me and I almost looked forward to our walk today.

    I don't know if I've ever felt so determined. I even just ate half a brownie last night instead of a whole one. And had McDonald's for dinner. Ah well, the point isn't to change my diet, it's to add in exercise and see if that little bit will do anything at all. I'm thinking it could be months before I see progress, but that's ok- the best things can be the hardest right?

    So I found out my walk is half a mile long. Once we make a full circuit of the park, it will be more or less a full mile. I'm not sure if more or less, but very close if nothing else. A mile is a whole lot less than I originally thought.

    I'm gonna try to intersperse more of my "regular" posts too, and just post my progress and a blurb at the bottom. But i want to blog about this daily, so I can go back and really see how this works. Fingers and toes crossed that it will be worth it. I'm good at beginnings but not so great at middles lol!

    Morning: Super bad heart burn (took milk and some toast to tame) lots of tiredness, but pretty awake during the day. Ian was maybe more tired he said.

    Walk: I got tired later and wasn't dying as much at the end. Although I was more winded, I didn't hurt as much. My back just above my bum  My left foot, the ball of my foot. But still, not as bad as yesterday. I think that might be because I was more optimistic today though.

    Water: 2 full mugs! :D Yay!

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

  • The Beginning of Determination

    I am really really really done being overweight.

    REALLY!

    I'm about 5 feet tall and I weigh 185. I wear a size 18 jeans. I can barely find extra large shirts that fit me. And even less that look good.

    I don't think I'm ugly. But I don't kid myself that the fat looks good. I'm not so much mad at myself as I am all the fat. It's awful.

    I hate that I can't go up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. It's terrible!

    I'm scared that if I don't change now, I'm going to have so many health problems. I'm lucky I haven't already. I was shocked when the doctor used the word "obese" but... it does fit.

    I am a doer. I didn't realize this totally until I saw how many people have problems they just talk about. Acknowledge... in a lot of cases not even that far. But not everyone actually DOES something. I am going to do something.

    So, because I have had grand plans before, this is going to be pretty simple. I am going to walk every night. First, to the second bridge in the park. Once I don't come home feeling like I'm dying, further. And further. Pick up the speed. Maybe add in a few things after that. But for the most part... walk.

    And a little water. Let me tell you I HATE water. Don't tell me there is no taste, there is, and it's nasty no matter what kind of water I have. Some are more ok than others. But, every morning until lunch I get water. At least two coffee mugs full.

    Nothing has worked, I just lose motivation. But I will make this work, because I need something. I haven't because it seems like so little can't make a difference. So I put myself to the challenge: will this make a difference? I will record a few different things everyday, as to my health and temper, and Ian's if he stays it with me.

    Morning: Sleepy, Achy (both, with Ian being EXTREMELY tired still), not much energy all day

    Walk: Winded at about 20 feet, stitch in side at bridge, gasping for breath and aching by home.

    Water: One and a half mugs full

    Weight: 185 (this will be sort of here and there since I don't have a scale and will have to rely on going places that do, and not often)

Thursday, 30 April 2009

  • Fear Itself

    Whether it's experiences, the media, or our own families, we are taught to fear.

    Of course, a little fear is healthy. A life without fear is foolhardy.

    But a life with too much fear may be even worse.

    When I was little, my mom drummed into me the fear of strangers. There were so many stories on the news of children being kidnapped. As my mom always told me, "You think it won't happen to you, everyone thinks that. But it DOES happen to people. And it could happen to us." She was right, of course. But I began to mistrust everyone. The man asking me if this toy would be good for his daughter the same age was asking so I could have a toy when he kidnapped me. The woman saying my hair looked pretty today was imagining what it would look like covered in my blood. The kid who made small talk was a ruse to lure me to my death at some imagined adult's hands.

    Fear can rule you. Look at the buzz words of today. "Economic Crisis" "Just like the depression" "Hundreds of thousands laid off, are you next?"

    "Swine Flu" "Deadly" "Killed a little boy in Texas"

    "Internet predators" "Never trust anyone" "What if they are an axe murderer?"

    The problem with fear is that it seems so rational. And there are examples of people who didn't fear that are dead now. But when you are checking around every corner for the boogie man... is that really any way to live? Caution has been replaced by unthinking fear.

    You can lock yourself in a box where you take every precaution so nothing can touch you- and STILL it wouldn't be enough to prevent every tragedy. It wouldn't be enough to prevent the bumps we experience with life. So not only do you take away the ability to enjoy the good things, but you can never shut out everything bad.

    My mom watched and warned me all the time. But all it would have taken was a split second for me to be taken. Instead of fear, I could have been cautioned to be careful and enjoyed talking to more people. Even still, if I'm alone at the office and someone walks in, my hand tends to hover near the phone, repeating "911, 911" to myself.

    We focus on the fear of the bad things, we don't get to open our eyes and enjoy the new. For instance, I have a friend visiting now that I met online. I took the precaution of meeting her at the airport, a public place, and we got to chat a bit- after knowing each other for a year. I feel perfectly safe having her in my home. In fact, I'm excited for all the times we'll get to share together. But if I had been so worried about her being a gross old man named Frank that wanted to dismember me- well then, I wouldn't get to have this experience.

    Am I going to follow some random person into a dark alley for no reason? Of course not. But I'm also not going to assume that every person I meet out on the street wants to do terrible things to me. The truth is, most of them probably don't. And whether or not I'm fearful probably won't have much baring on if it happens or not.

    So I am choosing to live my life with some caution, but without the weight of fear. The places I am fearful, I am trying to learn to be more carefree. There's no reason for me to fear death so much that I fear life itself that might place me in danger.

    What fears do you have that you wish you didn't? Where do you draw the line between fear and caution?

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

  • God, help me

    God, I come to you tonight humbled. I do not have a loving heart.

    So I ask you, please fill me. Please fill my heart with love, with compassion, with hope. Fill me with your presence.

    Please, let me get past my pride. Let me lay that down at your feet, and take it from me. Lift me up on wings of glory, glory only found in you.

    God, please just let me get through this one day at a time. I know she is hurting, I know that... I've heard her say it. Fill my heart with love and compassion for her.

    Let me not only keep my cool, but keep that love deep in my heart and know she is acting out of hurt.

    Please, I know I need to apologize for what I said today. Let that go smoothly, I want to do the right thing. Don't let me chicken out... What I said was out of line and I do need to apologize, no matter how she reacts. Please though, take it easy... I want to have a good day.

    I hurt too God, I have hurt and anger. I want to lay those at your feet and be free of those feelings. I want to be a peacemaker, I want to be humble, I want Your light to shine through me to her so she knows Your love through me. I want to be an example.

    But mostly, I want to be happy. I don't want to hurt over this anymore. I don't want to say things the way I do... I want to be so loving, and gentle, and kind.

    God, I pray these things to you, and I know that you can hear me. I know that you are with me. Please, don't leave me... I need you. I need you to lead me through this and love me. I know you do.

    In Jesus name I pray

    Amen

silkenbutterfly

  • Visit silkenbutterfly's Xanga Site
    • Name: Jeni
    • Birthday: 12/21/1986
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/31/2008

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About Me

  • I find beauty in the world around me. I find magic in the everyday. I see faeries and unicorns. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child, with all the wonder and amazement that brings. I like to dress up as a gypsy with my soul friend, Loni. I am loving life... and learning to love me.

Pulse

  • Thank you SO much guys! Today has been WAY better! I'm feeling good and no disasters. God has blessed me with your encouragement!
  • Irrefutable undeniable proof I don't have a big mouth: it took me four bites to eat a two-bite cinnamon roll
  • I won't vote just to vote. I refuse to vote for something I don't believe in.

Chatboard (8)

  • fshehna
    I liked ur last recent post .. the one about defining the roles I do work.. But then to be frank we have only one Financial Manager at home and I act as Financial Advisor
    • Posted 11/30/2008 6:24 AM
    • by fshehna
  • heidz86
    Haven't seen you around for a long time! How are you? What's going on?
    • Posted 7/19/2008 8:39 AM
    • by heidz86
  • melsoriano
    hi... just passing by. good day!
  • melsoriano
    hi there! RYC ... regards and thanks a lot. feliz dia!
  • silkenbutterfly
    @heidz86 - I started to answer and realized my answer is pretty long. So, I shall make a blog about it sometime in the next few days and let you know :D Thanks, that's a great question!
  • heidz86
    Hi I was wondering what you meant in your profile when you said "Christian, but not a normal Christian".
    • Posted 2/18/2008 11:23 PM
    • by heidz86
  • silkenbutterfly
    Awww, thanks! :D I love it! *snuggles* I made it myself.
  • melsoriano
    you have a wonderful site ... i also love butterflies.